How to Overcome Pathological People Pleasing

Do you find yourself compelled to attend to what those around you want or need?

Pathological People Pleasing

Pathological people pleasing is a behavioral pattern characterized by an excessive and compulsive need to please others, often at the expense of one's own needs, desires, and well-being. If you are a pathological people pleaser, you may find yourself constantly prioritizing the approval and acceptance of others while, at the same time, being unsure of your own feelings and opinions.

What if what weighs you down was never yours to carry...

Characteristics of Pathological People Pleasing

• Constantly seeking approval and validation from others

• Difficulty saying "no" or setting boundaries

• Feeling responsible for other people's feelings and happiness

• Fear of rejection or conflict

• Neglecting personal needs and desires

• Experiencing anxiety or guilt when not pleasing others

If this sounds like you or someone you know, you may have a pathological people pleaser on your hands. What this means is that, without proper support or treatment, it will be hard for this person to find lasting authentic happiness. That is because they find their validation externally, in what others think of them. The healing work is to develop a stronger sense of inner self worth.

Beliefs Underlying Pathological People Pleasing

• I am insignificant

• My value is in taking care of others

• I cannot trust my judgement

• I have to be perfect

• It's not okay to feel/show my emotions

• It's not okay for me to have needs

How do we get here? Pathological people pleasing often stems from early childhood experiences in which caretaking provided a sense of safety or identity in one's family. Helping a parent who suffers from untreated mental health issues, for example. What's more, many women and girls are socialized to be nurturers, to place other people's needs ahead of their own. This is not a recipe for healthy relationships. Rather, it makes us vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.

How to Overcome Pathological People Pleasing

• Recognize the Behavior: Acknowledge and identify the patterns of people pleasing in your life.

• Set Boundaries: Learn to establish and communicate personal boundaries to protect your time and energy.

• Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your own needs and well-being by learning to engage in activities that nourish and fulfill you.

• Challenge Negative Beliefs: Work on reframing thoughts that equate self-worth with others' approval.

• Learn to Say No: Practice saying "no" in low-stakes situations to build confidence in asserting your own needs.

• Seek Professional Help: Consider therapy or counseling to explore underlying issues and develop healthier coping strategies.

• Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build relationships with those who respect your boundaries and encourage your individuality.

Overcoming pathological people pleasing is possible. It's a gradual process that requires self-awareness, practice, and support. By taking these steps, you can learn to value their your own needs and foster healthier relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. Therapists such as myself are here to help you get to know and love yourself for exactly who you are.

Healthy Self and Relationship Beliefs

• I am okay just as I am.

• I deserve to be happy.

• I can trust my judgement.

• I can make my needs known.

• I can feel and show my emotions.

• I can have relationships based on mutuality.