Reviving Our Real Life Relationships in the Digital Age

Has social media made us anti social? There's no denying the record levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness that the digital era seems to have ushered in. (To say nothing of our polarized political state!) What has become of our real life social skills and connections? And, what can we do to get better? My therapist heart holds one answer...

A woman stares tiredly at the illuminated screen of her smart phone.

The remedy and the antidote, I believe, lies in our capacity for real life connection.

Psychological trauma, particularly complex trauma, is marked by profound loneliness and the absence of any close, meaningful relationships. (I had a client aptly call this space "purgatory.") Likewise, the act of connection is the healing, helping us to feel less alone and more hopeful. I'm honored to be able to do this connecting thing for a living. But, outside of the counseling room, I am seeing more and more people feeling alone, as evidenced by their acts of desperation. There appears to be an epidemic loneliness in our culture.

How did we get this way?

There was a time when we had to physically visit with each other, in person and over the phone. There were no smart phones. Texting was not a thing. There was life before the internet! I'm being sarcastic but it's truly amazing how much things have changed over the last few decades. Today, virtually anything can be ordered or shared with the click of a button, from the anonymity of your hand held device. There's no need for social niceties, we don't have to interact. At the same time, greater access to information that's not always helpful or kind has led us to a place of greater fear, separation, and distrust of each other.

A young man addresses a crowd with a megaphone, pumping his fist in the air.

Is is all social media's fault?

Things are rarely that simple! I'm not seeking to demonize the digital era. However, it is up to each of us to determine how our time, energy, and attention is used in this age of information. We must remember that, among all of the "convenience" of it all, it is in our best interest to prioritize being in a space of connection. To that end, the internet and smart phones are tools to help us. We must take charge to ensure that it's not the other way around. Our attention is not for sale, we are the stewards of our time and energy.

Reclaiming our focus

With a little intention, we can reshape the rhythms of our daily lives to reflect what's most important to our health and wellbeing, connection. Before we scroll, order, or post, we can pause and ask, is this fostering greater connection or disconnection with myself and others? (Hint: doom scrolling does not help us connect.) How you feel in your body in the moment, as well as how you feel afterwards, can be clues. The bottom line: every moment we spend on our devices is a moment we can't connect with others in real life. All of those minutes add up, making a life of our crafting, one way or the other. Invest your time accordingly.

A person looks up smartly from their phone.

Hang in there

The bad news is, there will be bumps in the potentially already bumpy road. If you're already feeling weary, you are not alone! This can be quite daunting! But, the good news is, this is not a race. Lasting change does not happen overnight. Take it little by little. Refrain from reacting to everything. Give yourself permission to just be, witness. Notice how your behaviors, online and offline, impact the quality of your life and relationships. Show yourself grace while you're switching gears. Awkwardness and mistakes will happen! It will get easier and pay off in time, in the form of tangible benefits like enhanced health and wellbeing.

Brushing up on our real life social skills

There are things that we can do to build our confidence when it comes to socializing in the real world, which we have established seems to be lacking yet is of vital importance!

• Be Authentic: Show your true self and be genuine in your interactions.

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention and respond thoughtfully to what others are saying.

• Find Common Interests: Engage in activities or discussions that highlight shared hobbies or passions.

• Be Open and Approachable: Maintain open body language and a friendly demeanor to invite conversation.

• Take Initiative: Don’t hesitate to reach out and suggest meeting up or starting a conversation.

• Follow Up: After meeting someone, send a message or make plans to connect again to strengthen the relationship.

• Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, eye contact, and tone of voice.

• Show Empathy: Try to understand and relate to the feelings and experiences of others.

• Be Patient: Building real connections takes time, so be patient and allow relationships to develop naturally.

• Participate in Community Activities: Join clubs, groups, or volunteer opportunities to meet new people.

A person laughs, seemingly in conversation.

However we conduct ourselves in this one wild and precious life, as they say, we are all impacting each other. In what we choose to do, in what we choose not to do. Online. Offline. In how we approach ourselves and each other. My hope is that we use our finite energy with awareness of our interconnectivity, so that we may know its joy and healing. As human beings, how we make each other feel truly is our super power.